The Irksome Thing About Unsolicited Advice

1 Thessalonians 4:11

1 Peter 4:15

I urge you - especially if you're Christian - to briefly look at the above passages before proceeding. You'd realise why.

I was attending a conference this Easter and something rather interesting happened. Something that made me realise that many people still don't understand the deal with offering unrequested advice and the beauty of minding one's business. I'm someone who has opinions about virtually everything and everyone, but these are opinions you may never get to know of if you're not very close to me and deliberately seek them out... or if I don't write about them, as I'm doing right now. I'm reserved like that these days. So I'll be quite frank and say that I was pretty piqued that this happened to me.

So a little back story first. This conference was to start Thursday night and run through Sunday afternoon. I was going to head to the venue after seeing a couple of movies at the mall with SO. Beauty and the Beast and The Boss Baby were the movies we had on our bucket list. The latter was the one that really did it for me though, and I highly recommend it if you're yet to see it.

Anyway, it was already raining - albeit not too heavily - when we were set to leave the mall. It was well past 7 p.m. I was determined to get to my conference that night. Rain or not. But this wasn't even about that determination, because we had to leave regardless of where we were headed. It's not like we could sleep over or something. So it took quite some time and effort, but SO eventually got a taxi and we said our goodnights. Now the realisation set in that I might have to wait a pretty long time for another taxi to come around... and that I was getting very drenched already. 

Fast forward about an hour. I had managed to somehow get myself to conference venue despite the odds. Most vehicles were avoiding the road leading to place, but, thankfully, I found a taxi that knew an alternative route. Very cold and very soaked, we arrived. My bag containing my clothes and personal effects, and I. It was the ghastliest evening I had had in quite a while, but there were tons of pleasantries to exchange and my signature smile just had to make an appearance. No one could I was thinking about how my clothes would dry on my body the entire time.

So after the myriad of hellos and the brief opening formalities were over for the night, it was announced that the choir – which I was part of – was to wait behind for rehearsals. That's when it hit me. What had I just done to myself? What if I came down with a cold the next morning and as a result couldn’t sing? The conference was supposed to be a proper camping experience, so the accommodation wasn't exactly five-star. There were no heaters in the rooms, neither was there electricity. So the probability of a cold setting in by morning was pretty high. And it didn't help that I slept right next to an open window, and that the night was so damn cold. 

Saturday morning came sooner than I expected. Friday had worked out just well. Thankfully, my choir uniform for the day wasn’t ruined by the rain, but I could hardly say so for the rest of my clothes. They were wet and stained from my Thursday ordeal. So I had to dash back to town at first light to get a change of clothes… and stuff for my voice - lozenges and a menthol inhaler - since a window of opportunity had presented itself. My throat was pretty sore from the vocal stress it had been subjected to the day before. We had sung and screamed a whole lot.

I was back at the camp a few hours later, a much happier man with clean dry clothes. I could tell my throat felt happier as well. Sessions came and sessions went, the choir sang and sang, and, soon, it was night. It was the final session for the day, and I was battling sleep; It had been such a long day, and my sinuses and throat were irritated once more. Luckily, I had the menthol inhaler I had purchased that morning to help relieve my stuffy nose. That also helped my stay awake. Just as I was deep in thought, seriously pondering something the speaker at the time had just said, the guy on my left passed me a note. I curiously opened it, and it read thus:

"Stop using that inhaler. It causes heart problems. Buy Vitamin C instead."

I was gobsmacked! Who could have sent this? Even though I suspected my friend who sat two seats away – because she just smiled when I asked if it was from her – the sender deliberately wanted to be anonymous. That just further disturbed me. To be fair, one could argue that I have a substance abuse problem with menthol inhalers in the sense that I use them for longer than I usually need to once I’ve got them. And that’s just because I love the feeling of clear sinuses, especially when I have sing or speak in public. So, if the note had made reference to that, I probably would have been less irked by it. But it didn't. 

The session ended not long after I received that note, and we dismissed and had dinner. I got to my accommodation that night, and - just before I slept - I quickly Googled the side effects of using menthol inhalers. Guess what I found: there were, at worst, simply very rare cases of nasal discomfort reported. In fact, Netdoctor.co.uk  categorically said “no side effects have been reported with this medicine.” So where had this my anonymous friend come up with those claims from? I had to investigate further to find out if there was anything at all relating to inhalers that could threaten cardiac health. They say there's no smoke without fire after all. After quite some effort, all I could find were some speculations concerning inhalers used in the treatment of emphysema and bronchitis, and it was emphasised that it really was still mere speculation. Either way, this wasn't my business, as I had never used had such ailments or used such inhalers. You can imagine mood just before I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning with a goal, a goal to speak with my friend whom I suspected had sent me the note. I planned to call her aside to find out for sure if it had originated from her, and - if it did - to tell her my discoveries in private. I really just wanted to save her the embarrassment of seeming ignorant, because I generally had never known her to be. Now, I wouldn't really be bothered about the fact that someone offered me unsolicited advice if she was the one – notwithstanding the fact that this advice was baseless at best – because she was my friend, and I could understand how my well-being could be her business. What are friends for after all?

The conference came to a remarkable end, and, somehow, the chance to have this conversation with my friend failed to make itself available, so I decided we'd have the conversation at a later time. We were set to leave, and as we talked about what a blessing the conference had been and took pictures amidst jokes and laughs, the most surprising thing happened. I noticed this young lady (we never really talked during the course of the conference, though we belonged to the same small group) motioning towards my direction. I looked behind me to help her get the attention of the person she was trying to get across to, and what do you know?  There was no one behind me. It was I who she was motioning to, for me to come over. Weird as I found that, I humoured her nonetheless and went over.

“Where’s your inhaler?” she asked, with this sarcastic look on her face.

“In my pocket” was my response with a quizzical look that I couldn’t help on mine. “Why?” Would you believe it hadn’t occurred to me at that point?

“You’re supposed to have thrown it away! Didn’t you read the note I sent you last night? You’re damaging your heart!”

I smiled because I couldn’t believe my ears. What audacity! I asked how she came to that conclusion, and she was so very eager to explain why she was of her opinion. I patiently availed her the opportunity, but I wasn't necessarily surprised that she couldn’t make sense even to herself. It was then that I tried sharing my findings from Google with her, but she wasn't having any of it. What does Google know after all? It was at that point I gave up. What more could I do for this my friend? I smiled at her once more, thanked her for her concern and begged to take my leave. I had to meet up with my friends who had been itching to leave. I had left them standing in the sun and patiently waiting for me for too long.

Now that I think about it, I realise the young lady probably was just looking for a way to break the ice and start a conversation. Admirable as I find that, unsolicited advice - especially from a stranger - never sits well with me. I personally find it very discourteous. And it's just so much worse when this unsolicited advice is completely groundless and unfounded. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the person who offers this advice is offended that you refuse it or choose not to make the changes they expect you to simply because they think you should.

Of course, exceptions must be made – at an individual’s discretion – for parents, parent figures, teachers, clergymen, family and everyone else whose business it is to ensure an individual's welfare, because these people actually have that responsibility to such individuals. But if you aren't one of these people to the person who you're so eager to give uninvited advice to, please do well to keep your thoughts to yourself till they're asked for. If it really can't wait, then it's only courteous that you seek their consent and ask if it's okay to offer your counsel, and respect their decision if your request isn't granted.

Let's make it a point of duty to always remember that - entitled as we are to our individual opinions - wisdom, courtesy and common sense jointly demand that we know when to voice these opinions, and when we simply need to look, smile, and graciously keep walking on our own paths in the spirit of minding our own businesses… and living longer.