No Perfect Parents

Do you still have any memories of your very early childhood? I realise now that a lot of people seem not to, but I do.

I particularly recall, with sweet nostalgia, the moments, way back in nursery school, when each of us would cheerily go “our car is a Peugeot”, “my mommy has a Volvo”, “my daddy drives a Tayota [sic] (God bless your heart, Urenna)” during virtually all of our lunch breaks.

As we got older, and our vocabularies developed, we graduated to “my house is a bungalow” and “my daddy is building a duplex”. For me, the beautiful thing about this was how it was never remotely as much a contest about whose parents were wealthier or more successful (I mean, how much could young innocent children know about the values of such possessions anyway?) as it was about being proud of our parents and telling our friends how awesome we thought they were – perfect in every sense from each of our blue-eyed perspectives!

You see, as young children, our parents were more or less the gods we could see – our idols; the living embodiments of omnipotence. As far as we were concerned, there was practically nothing they couldn’t do if they wanted to.

So, each time Dad said “no” to getting you a new bike, or Mom declined your heartfelt pleas for SuperYogo when the ice cream vendor was in the neighborhood, you were pretty certain it was because they probably wanted to punish you for being naughty, not because they couldn't afford it at the time.

But if there’s anything that growing up teaches anybody, it's how inaccurate the notion of our parents being perfect is. Time passes and slowly reveals cracks and imperfections we never thought existed. Unfortunately, not many of us make peace with this realisation as well as the rest of us do.

Parenthood is no walk in the park; I don’t need to have biological children of my own to know this. Not unlike every other human being, our parents are really just regular individuals who are burdened with their fair share of flaws, fears, insecurities and limitations. Factor in being a single parent because of a bitter split or a spouse’s death, never really recovering from post-partum depression, suddenly becoming unemployed and not being able to land a decent job, or any other nasty curve ball life could throw one's way, and all of those imperfections might as well be on steroids.

Nevertheless, in spite of these difficulties, every good parent makes an effort to raise their children the best way they can. It goes without saying that they will inevitably let us down, probably more often than we think they should — because, of course, they're human — and maybe that has left a few of us more uncertain than we should be about just how much we're loved.  But maybe we’d be more understanding, and forgiving, if we tried putting ourselves in their shoes for one minute.

What if the unfair decisions your parents took in the past, that haven't exactly made your life any easier, weren't intended as you'd always thought? I understand that things aren't always this simple, but what if your mom never let you play with the neighbours' kids because she didn’t want you being made fun of for being different? What if she actually believed you when you said your uncle touched you inappropriately but wasn't sure how to act because her own mother called her a liar when she made the exact same report decades ago?

And what if your dad hit you so much as a kid because that’s how his own father raised him and — in his own opinion at least — he turned out all right? What if he knows you'll make a great footballer but insists you earn a university degree instead of actively pursuing a football career because he’s afraid of what people will think about his parenting abilities if you don’t make it to the big stage?

It's only natural to be upset with our folks for the times they failed to give us what we desperately needed and knew they had to give, but what if they really didn't know any better? And what if they're now terribly sorry because they realise just how much they've let us down, but really don’t know how to make things any better?

I was motivated to pen this piece because of the rather alarming number of people I care about who haven't exactly been in great terms with their parents in recent times. If you're one of these people, regardless of how young or old you might be, please realise that your folks have made more sacrifices than you probably realise, to see that you at least have a better life than they had, and that they're no less prone to shortcomings than you are.

Unresolved daddy and mommy issues can be such a mess to deal with, especially when they’re carried on into adult relationships. The child today becomes a parent tomorrow, and the unfortunate cycle continues. So, even if having a heart-to-heart conversation with your parents about your differences seems impossible right now, please try to forgive their failures and make an effort to enjoy the beautiful moments that you still have the privilege of sharing with them.

Someday, you'll wish you had.